This time our little family stays as the three of us. Our time will come for our family to grow again, but with a heavy heart I sit in my office and type these words, we sadly lost a little growing bub recently.

I have chosen to share this as I simply had no idea truly what losing a baby was like until we were hit with it. You hear stories, read posts, and know people who have but until it’s you, it’s an untold nightmare you never expect or wish for.

From the absolute joy of finding out what we were expecting, we were ready for this next step. Pregnancy for me is a hard one, I don’t enjoy being pregnant, purely from my first experience where I had Hyperemesis Gravidarum (HG). I battled for weeks/ months/ trimesters with my first pregnancy, which quite literally took any joy out of the experience. We chose to wait until Scarlett was at an age where she could communicate & was settled in preschool to think about another baby. It wasn’t an easy decision.

We found out quite early with this baby that we were expecting, and with that came fear. Not loss fear, but sickness fear. Every morning I would wake up and do a mental check on how I was feeling- was anything different I would think? I would lift my head slowly off my pillow just in case to work out what my body was feeling. I had 3 ‘normal’ pregnancy weeks before the severe sickness kicked in. I thought I was ‘out of the woods’ as it didn’t start at 5 weeks like my previous pregnancy. At 6.5 weeks I was feeling it. The nausea, food aversions, and any smells, or odours would send me throwing up. This time with the bonus of nappies and a toddler who needs food made! But I was managing with the great help of Alex. I was napping when Scarlett napped, taking anti-nausea pills, and having twice weekly visits to my acupuncturist who helped manage my sickness- I was doing pretty good. Scans & midwife appointments were all ticking away nicely. The baby was growing, nothing seemed wrong.

On a Thursday afternoon, between work and preschool pick up I headed in for a routine scan, in my head (total 2nd baby thing) I didn’t think too much about it. I drove in, waited, and joked about the fact the previous time I had a scan I thought I was having twins, and then it happened, that our bub’s little heart was no longer beating. I don’t want to sound daft, but pregnancy loss was never a thought in my head. It never crossed my mind while I was pregnant that there was a chance I may lose this baby- well now I know the statistics are that 1 in 4 women have a miscarriage. Crazy and so terrifying.

A lot of this is a blur but I remember total shock setting in. It was just so unexpected, I was still feeling ill, vomiting and my body felt pregnant.

The one thing that shocked me and I look back now and I understand why support couldn’t be given at this appointment, but the ultrasound technician advised me in the best way she could that the baby's heart was no longer beating, a second tech confirmed and said they would ring my midwife. They then left the room and that was it. I was left to gather myself and walk out into a waiting room of pregnant women, to get to my car.

I had no idea what was next, why wasn’t I already bleeding if I had lost the baby? Why did I still feel so nauseous? Am I meant to just go home?

I did indeed head home and awaited a phone call from my midwife who then talked me through my questions and helped me to work out the next steps. I just thought that I would need to head to the hospital to be checked and start the 'next part'

That evening was so long and little sleep occurred. I then met with my obstetrician's nurse the next morning before bravely facing pack-in for The Baby Expo in Christchurch. I had the weekend to try and process what had happened and what was about to happen. I could have stayed away from the Expo but I knew I couldn’t not be there for my business. With the incredible help of my family and friends, we tackled the highs and lows of the weekend. Yet still, the entire time I felt pregnant, I was sick and trying to hold food down. But we did it, the Expo was done and Monday morning was looming.

I decided to head in for surgery early on Monday. It wasn’t a light decision one bit, yes it was my choice and now looking back I am glad this was the path I went down. It was the right choice for my body and mentally I didn’t want to sit and wait and hope that my body would start the process itself. No choice is right or wrong at all and I learnt that very quickly from the support around me. It was my body and my choice of how I wanted the next part to go.

With Alex by my side, we went through the motions together and then came lots of rest. I felt relatively good post-surgery, I woke up no longer feeling nauseous and my foggy pregnancy head was lifting. I think for me since I had not been feeling myself even before this loss, waking up and feeling a part of my normal self back was relieving.

For the week following, my body felt like it was going through the postpartum motions, my hormones, and my body were suddenly working out it was no longer carrying and preparing for a baby to grow and be born. I went through a few things I didn’t quite expect post-loss which included the sweats, struggle to sleep, fatigue, sore breasts, cramping and of course bleeding.

Writing this a few weeks post loss, my body still has not fully recovered but this takes time. Time to heal, time to grieve, time to recuperate. I do feel like the days are slowly getting easier and things will go back to ‘our normal’ but all things take time and our time for another family member will come one day again.

My energy is rising and I’m easing back into day-to-day programming, running a business and enjoying our cheeky toddler.

I truly hope that sharing an insight into my pregnancy and loss is helpful for others, and for anyone who has not experienced loss, this is a kind and gentle reminder that you never know what’s happening around you. I had an incredible support network of friends who I would have never known had experienced loss, reached out to confide & share their stories which I would have never known before. Support is the biggest lifeline through this journey too.

Thank you to all of my nearest and dearest for everything you did to support us through this, it will never be forgotten.

Sending lots of hugs to anyone who right now may be going through this too. My Inbox & ears are ALWAYS open to support anyone too. 

Grace x

They don’t teach you about this part
The part where your dream almost came true,
The part where you almost became a mother
The part where your heart was shattered in two.
They don’t teach you about this part
The part where you go home to an empty house,
With an empty womb
Cradling an empty heart.

Words from: Little Words on Miscarriage 

Milestone Cards Pictured: Darling Baby Milestone Cards